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[03 Aug 2008|01:23am]
My liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife. wtf.

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My life in a nutshell [14 Jun 2008|02:00pm]

Being a Gemini just means bouncing back and forth between different ideas, groups of people, moods, genres of music, etc. It also means there's never an idle moment in my brain, I can't settle down because I change my mind so quickly, and I'm constantly acting compulsive.
But! For now, Crystal Castles is what it's all about, really. Olneyville. Crystal Castles. Art fags on bikes. Sloppy parties. Awkward relationships.
For nowww.

&Apparently I need to find myself an Aquarius? I already found one, but getting one is a different story.

Peace ;]
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[29 Apr 2008|07:52pm]
This is only a chapter-
This is merely a point in our lives where we don't know who we are.

I'm completely lost.
&I really hope I overdose on Viccodin and Tylenol extra strength and antibiotics and alcohol.
At least I won't feel my jaw anymore. &No one will have to pay for anything.
My wisdom teeth, my car, my parking tickets, my internet.
I won't piss off my managers, I won't inconvenience family, I won't annoy friends.
I won't exist.

After all, existence is arbitrary, isn't it?
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Story of the week. [20 Apr 2008|09:07am]
I've had a LOT of crazy things happen to me this week, including this morning [nottttt the event about to be described]
But this one really tops it off!

It's 8 in the morning, and I turn my car around at the dead end at the end of the street I live on.
As I come to the intersection, that has NO stop sign, at about.. 20 miles an hour? A biker flies by and hits MY car .. right by the rear tire of my stationwagon. I look in my rear view and the guy is tumbling around on the ground. So automatically, I pull over [two houses away from my own] and run over asking if he's ok. He looks completely unharmed, but its enraged anyway and refuses to respond to me, until he decides to tell me to write down my name and insurance information, etc. Now I KNOW his rage was nottttt because I "hit" him, but because he's a full grown man with a wife and a kid that was stupid enough to fly through an intersection on a bike, without a helmet, and hit a moving vehicle.

A.] The mark where the bike tire met my car is very close to the rear end of my vehicle, which is the first piece of proof that it was not my fault.
B.] I did not have a stop sign.
C.] He DID have a stop sign. &I for SOME reason recall learning that bike riders are to obey the same laws as other moving vehicles on the main road. Did you think I didn't know that when I said I was 18? I don't believe you came to a stop, seeing as we wouldn't be in this situation.
Not to mention, he made a huuuuuuge mistake by telling me he was from Boston, considering I'm there every week, and know very well that every citizen of Boston is aware of the importance of bicycle-rs following traffic laws.

I thinkkkkk I may have forgotten to tell him that I wanted to be a lawyer for most of my life. Oooops :/

My favorite part was his attitude. He was completely cocky and rude, and kept reassuring me of the fact that it was entirely my fault through his almost-but-not-quite-witty remarks.  He joked!about not waking up in the morning, and us having a problem, and all the horrible things he was going to say about me when he woke up because he hurt his back 'real bad' and the front of his bike was broken! :O He also invited his wife and 19-month-old boy to our party at the intersection of Royal and Bellmont, to make me feel a little more guilty. Little does he, or the cop, know that behind my fake smile and million "sorries" I felt no sympathy whatsoever. I hateeeee everyone, and I hope he does have a concussion.

In other news, absolutely not one of you would believe who I've been hanging out with lately. I don't even believe it.
My taxes weren't done in time because my mom is reeeeeally stupid, and doesn't understand TurboTax.
My car is going to shit...again. &I have 4 parking tickets, totaling.. $130 that are due in about two weeks!

&Allllll I want to do is hang out with my dad, play vice city, and have sex.
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[18 Apr 2008|02:42am]
Whenever something goes bad, now, I just picture my dad going "Blehhhblahblablablehblablah" trying to imitate the people in Vice City talking, but instead sounding just like Michael Scott from the Office.

Three of my favorite things:
My Dad, Vice City, and The Office.

&Beer/whiskey, but those definitely were not included in that story.
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[13 Apr 2008|08:13pm]
Allston. Hopkinton. Natick.
Crazy week. With all the same people.

I love everyone I've met in the past few days, and all the people I already knew and became even closer with.
I do not love that heeeee is in love right now, and I literally missed my chance by making the stupidest mistake in the world. But, in time.
I'll move on as usual. &Just be happy having really great friends.

[19 Dec 2007|01:45am]
I'm pissed and I hate winter.
I hate it.

I want a fucking guy. A real one. An intelligent one. An appreciative caring, fun one.
&One that I can listen to Radiohead, or Iron Maiden, or Brittney Spears with, or dance with and whatever with that will take my mind off of living back in Warwick with my bitch grandmother, and having no money because I put it all towards rent to an apartment I'll barely ever see again, and that I miss my dog more than anything, and how I want to be a lot more than I am.

I have no idea what I do to deserve any of the things that happen constantly

uiyhu          jhghjf fgghf
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[20 Oct 2007|10:48pm]
So this is pretty serious.
What are some legit ways I can make some money fairly quick?
All kidding aside.

&Yeah I have a job.
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[16 Oct 2007|02:37am]
Why I hate being home:
Everyone goes to bed at 8:30 leaving me with nothing to do other than sit on myspace all night and think about shit I would never think about otherwise. I should probably read or draw, but by the time I am finished with the computer, my mind is too preoccupied to even focus on anything else. Then the woman I live with wonders constantly why I am never ever here. Well I'm here NOW because of her, going through the whole eighth grade myspace bullshit all over and basically::

I realized that I'm that awkward bro girl. Everyone can talk about how chill I am and how much they want to hang out with me cuz I'm "not like other girls," but it doesn't mean quite as much when that hot, trendy girl, that probably even lives a million miles away, comes along and just seduces them right into a relationship. I think I knew that all along about myself, which is probably why I never actually LIKED guys, but I've just recently come to terms with that. &It's all ok. Who needs a relationship?

I'm going to my dad's.
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[12 Oct 2007|12:27pm]
I don't feel like I have a grasp on anything. Which is good, I guess, opposed to my stubborn previous notion that I had a grasp on everything.

Sex is a very weird thing. You can love it and hate it at the same time. Well, at least I do.
But it's not sex:  It's sex appeal. It's the conscious knowledge that you're being taken advantage of in someone else's mind; of knowing that you're looked at solely because you have something someone else is lusting for.  It's something many strive to achieve, but resent when it is  achieved.

I'm too indecisive, and have finally realized I won't find a relationship, because I won't ever let myself.
Can someone walk into my life with the perfect balance of what I need? I don't think so, because that may be a lot.
&To think I don't have high expectations. But I gave up about 3 days ago. I don't know what it was, but it made me not care anymore. &NOw I'm completely at peace with whatever may come. [Really.]
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[21 Sep 2007|01:34am]
 I have neglected livejournal for a very long time.
That is because I have never been so busy in my entire life, for this span of time.
I have enjoyed my life to the absolute fullest in every way possible in the past few months. Not one minute has been "wasted" whatsoever.  Although I deal with lack of money every day, I somehow manage, and stay just as happy.

But I still, no matter what, have this incredible fear that I will never get to experience all of the great things I do again; That I enjoy all of these things and people for a time short-lived and will not be able to go back.  I hate the awkward stares or glances when two people are both aware they know each other, but have no courage to admit it to one another: the awkward stares that burn holes through people's self-esteem.  I hate not knowing what is going on when people react certain ways, or when they don't return my calls/texts.  I hate that I feel like everything has to have a point: every gesture, every joke, every change of tone in someone's voice, every ignored text message, every everything.  By now, I've experienced so many of these things and worked myself up over them, only to find out later that I had nothing to worry about.  Though I've been SO much better than before, anxiety kicks in just when I thought I got rid of it for good.
My biggest fear is people forgetting about me, but only certain people. Only certain people matter in my life. I absolutely do not love everyone on this earth, but I do care ,and will show compassion, for every person on this earth. But only so many of those people really matter to me. I just don't want people to forget, or to assume I have alternate motives behind the sincere things I do. I want right now to carry on through the rest of my life, but knowing that it won't scares me a lot.
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[12 Jul 2007|05:51pm]
I guess I'm not such a "wise girl."

[07 Jul 2007|02:34am]
I hate having good days planned, but having to go to bed sad.
I hate the things I'm missing out on. &FINALLY. I am getting my car tomorrow.
For sure this time. If not, I'm just going to jump onto Route 2 at 5pm.

What's so terrible about me? Honestly
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[02 Jul 2007|07:59pm]
Oh yeah and Star Trek?
I need the first two original seasons thank youuuuuuu..
If someone wants to hook me up. :]
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[01 Jul 2007|11:00pm]
I love getting blown off and having nothing to do all day other than sit at my computer.

Did I mention that I can't wait to get my car?
So I can drive it into a fuckin wall.
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[20 Jun 2007|10:19pm]
Oh &amazing Nick Landry made me a picture that basically sums up a dream I had about a week ago. <3

By:  [info]coldhandsandgin
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[20 Jun 2007|01:13am]
Today was an incredible day.

I felt the need to write about it because after so long, I finally got MY FUCKING NOSE PIERCED.
&I love it.

Much more to come.
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[13 May 2007|05:26pm]
Maybe I'm just not capable of loving......in the way that I want to, at least.
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[30 Apr 2007|09:11am]
&Tom, thanks for the article about wormholes. 
My new goal is not only to prove their existance, but to be the one that finds/creates a microscopic wormhole and travels to the other universes to come back and tell about it! 


[27 Apr 2007|02:49pm]
I can't go to hemp fest this weekend because of, well the obvious: work.
Though, I'm still with Eric Hilton 100%. We need to hang out asap because it's been too long.

[25 Apr 2007|02:49pm]
[ mood | curious ]

I love Jaime Lam-chicaaaaa! &I'm glad someone appreciates even a little of what I have to say.
What, do a total of.. 3 people read this thing?

Who reads this!? Be honest.

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[23 Apr 2007|01:46pm]
[ mood | bipolar ]

UuUuUughHghghGHhhhhhh Bipolar waste of space!


Ohhhhhh revelations! [19 Apr 2007|09:44pm]
So, a bunch of sugar cubes in a box, are all a system. They're a collection of specific objects. If they're shaken and the box is beaten, the sugar cubes will change form and loose sugar will collect in the bottom of the box, but the mass and contents stay the same.

We are all a system on earth.  &While listening to some ambient tunes, and just watching what's going on around me, like traffic and business, and different people interacting, I can't help but wonder if we're just some model, that something bigger is watching. I, to some extent, like to think that, because I think it would be cool that a society so wrapped up in experimenting and exploring and learning, was actually an experiment in itself. It's also just a really neat idea. But then, on the other side it's kind of a scary thought. But I love scary, so I guess that's ok.

The other night, I went to a waterfall with Dave, and we had to walk through a cemetery to get to it, and I for some reason just loooooooved that night, so much, other than the shitty weather. I want to go back again when it's nicer.
I also like walking home at like 9:30 when it's so quiet and dark. It's so much more.. comforting than during the day when everyone is out and staring and looking for people to piss off.

I think I'm going to start looking at the time I spend by myself a lot more optimistically,because I've been feeling a lot better lately since I've started relying on myself and things that I really love [like astronomy, thrift shopping, and music that I don't care if other people like] to make me happy, than relying on other people, or GUYS even, to make me happy. Feeling like I don't need to impress anyone or try to catch someone's attention is a great feeling, and so much less stressful.

I feel peaceful!
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doom. fest. [19 Apr 2007|01:32am]

I really need that. Along with many other old things. But mostly just our talks, and Doom 3!
&A bagel from Panera.

I'm pumped for life. Tuesday is gonna be good.

&SAMANTHA.. If you read thisss, remind me to ask you to take my shift on Tuesday? hahaha <3
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[03 Apr 2007|03:16pm]
I'm so predictable. I'm not sure I can get any happier than this.

But last night was easily one of the best nights of my life, and definitely the best show I've ever seen, aside like two others.
It really has me thinking about the summer, & college next year in Providence.

It doesn't get much better.
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Actually. [01 Apr 2007|01:46pm]
I wish I could figure out what it is that's making me so... idk lately.
Introverted? Uncomfortable? Irritable? I don't know.


So I started writing this before I received two phone calls, and they both kinda changed the direction I was going with it.
One call............... lol @ my skeptical-ism. It does actually kinda make me happy, but with no expectations attached! I lost those a long time ago.
The second one, a lot more serious, but so appreciated. I love talking to my me-ma, and I miss living with her, too. But with the way things are going, I think I might be living there again, soon, which makes me really happy and hopeful. That also means having a car to drive!

But I think both of them made me realize that me and my family have made it through much worse times than what I'm going though in my own life right now, and I don't feel as bad today.
I also think that nicotine cravings are subsiding so much that I really don't even think about it anymore, which is also improving my mood.
Not to mention the gorgeous day today!

Too bad I have to work. I hate Subway, but I'll keep the same attitude I've had for the past year of working there, that it will get better as soon as I get my license[hopefully], and then I get a new job, or two, somewhere else. Forever 21 would be great, and so would like some place on Thayer or something considering, I want to go to the CCRI campus in Providence instead of Warwick. How lame would it be to go to CCRI in Warwick.. that's like High School all over again for me. I'm pretty excited/apprehensive about college, but it will be good!

Life's good! Now I just gotta find a pimp that pays well!

I'm reinventing myself [01 Apr 2007|12:51am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Well, I somehow always make an ass out of myself.
&I was thinking, that maybe if I move to India, life wouldn't be so bad.
I could wear cool outfits, I won't ever be cold again, and I can just read all day in the sun!


***New thought, my friend is reminding me right now why drinking is so stupid. Emphasize stupid. Darien would also be a good reminder of that [r.i.p. btw] As well as my dad.
  !!!Not to mention -- I'm 100% done with cigarettes. Yeah, hardest thing in my life ever, but it had to be done. Can I seriously get like a celebration party? I'm not kidding.

Emotions have been out of whack lately.. really weird.
Show last night was weirrrd [like everything else lately] but overall a good time. Considering...

So lame, but physics keeps me happy. Probably because I suck at everything else.
Speaking of which, reading old entires made me want to attempt skating again this summer. LOL
So many deaths lately, due to freak accidents. It's weird/ and I guess a little scary.

Well, nothing else on my mind except that this song is goooooooooooood &You should DL it.
New Vanna cd .. amazing, btw. But I mean, come on, right?
For the most part, I like the latter half more because it reminds me more of their old one.

Time for me not to make another real update for about a month.

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[19 Mar 2007|06:56am]
Steve, you haven't updated in forever and you juuuust signed off so:

Happy Birthday, Steve! :)
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[14 Mar 2007|09:13pm]
"My goal this year is to prove natural selection on the show. It's gonna take a while, it's gonna be very hard to make it fascinating on film in the context of our narrative structure, but I figure screw it. The sky's the limit. Let's do natural selection. I'm sick of fifty percent of this country thinking creationism is reasonable. It's appalling. And I have the unique ability, maybe, to sell this idea to Discovery, and they'll, they might allow me to do it, and I'm gonna try as hard as I can." 

Thank you, Adam Savage.

[05 Mar 2007|09:31pm]
I really enjoy this time I spend listening to EITS/Radiohead and thinking about a lot of things I should probably think about more/less.

I think the show the other night, shitty or not, was another thing I really needed. Though, the fact that I enjoyed it so much has me questioning myself again, as usual. I'm so weird and diverse that sometimes, I don't even know who I am, or if I'm taking the right path for me, or just what phase  I'm going through at the time. I go through so many phases and I'm constantly changing and improving. Although it's not always improvements.

The show also made me realize, while watching all the ignorant, self-absorbed, ass holes walk around smoking cigarettes to look badass, regardless of the fact that they are affecting everyone else, that I need to quit smoking.  I mean, when I smoke now,  I feel like a complete douchebag. I've done so much work to impove how I'm doing in school, to quit drinking, smoking weed, and quit any other stupid substance I was killing my body with, and yet I'm still smoke cigarettes.  I've improved a lot on eating habits, too. Yet, I still can't seem to go through a day without grabbing the pack of Marlboro Reds.               In time, I guess.

----I always wish I could convey how I feel and what I'm thinking through the way I look, even though it supposedly shouldn't matter. But, really,  it does matter. Today,  everyone judges people by how they dress, etc.  I know how I feel, and what I think, and I'll never convey any of that through clothing or accessories. I guess I just hope that soon, people will look past that, because the thought of people missing out on a really good person just because they don't have that haircut, or that cliche Venezuelan-model-meets-the-scene look, can be really depressing. 

I'm still pretty positive, despite the fact that I have to juggle between living in Warwick and West Warwick, and I don't have my license still, and I have yet to find a prom date or any prom necessities. Despite the fact that I need to pay off my tutoring, and then still WANT a new straightener/highlights, and to et my nose peirced all on a Subway salary. These next three months are going to be three of the most difficult months of my life as of yet, but all I can ask for is support, empathy, and forgiveness for the times that I let my anger get the best of me and let it affect everyone else. 

&On a brighter note: I thought I'd bring back the blind-date parody :)
EDIT. Like doesn't work, so:
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